Why Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling and Defensiveness are the biggest Killers of Any Relationship?

Here is why 👇

The roots of the 4 horsemen are born internally…

Contempt 😒, criticism 👎, stonewalling 🚫, and defensiveness 🛡️ are not merely behaviors that manifest in our interactions; they begin as thought patterns and emotional states within us. Contempt, for instance, originates from a place of perceived superiority, where one partner internally harbors disdain or disgust towards the other. This mental state erodes respect and affection.

Similarly, criticism starts as a critical inner dialogue where one’s partner is incessantly judged and found wanting, leading to verbal expressions that attack their character rather than address specific issues.

Stonewalling, often seen as a refusal to engage or a withdrawal from communication, reflects an internal retreat. When overwhelmed by conflict, an individual might internally shut down, distancing themselves emotionally to protect from further hurt. This mental barricade prevents healthy communication & problem-solving. 

Defensiveness, on the other hand, arises from an inner sense of vulnerability and threat. When one feels attacked, whether fairly or unfairly, their mind constructs defensive walls to shield their self-esteem. This internal stance of self-protection turns external interactions into battles, where each partner becomes more focused on defending their position than understanding the other’s perspective.

Externally, these internal states manifest in ways that significantly harm relationships. Contemptuous thoughts lead to sarcastic remarks, eye-rolling 🙄, and mocking behavior that communicate disrespect and disdain. Criticism, born from an internal litany of complaints, results in accusatory & negative comments that attack a partner's personality, fostering resentment and defensiveness. 

Stonewalling transforms into silent treatment or monosyllabic responses 🗨️, making resolution of conflicts nearly impossible and leaving the other partner feeling abandoned and unheard. Defensiveness in the internal world shows up as counterattacks, excuses, & a refusal to accept responsibility in the external world, creating a cycle of blame & escalating conflicts.

The interplay between our internal and external worlds is crucial in understanding how these destructive behaviors develop & persist. Our thoughts and emotions shape our actions, and repeated negative interactions reinforce the internal states that gave rise to them, creating a vicious cycle 🔄. 

By becoming aware of our internal states and choosing to address them constructively, we can alter our external behaviors. Cultivating empathy 🤝, open communication 🗣️, and emotional connection 💖 can transform contempt into respect, criticism into constructive feedback, stonewalling into engagement, and defensiveness into vulnerability. Thus, healing relationships involves a profound shift in both our internal mental landscape and our external interactions.

Do you recognize any of the 🐎 men in your relationship? Comment below!👇